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Before anything else, I don’t want you to read this as an attempt to get you back or make you feel guilty. I know you want to be left alone, and I got tired of constantly placing my feelings in your hands when you never asked to carry them. I just have so much inside me that I need to let out somewhere, without expecting a response from you.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to when i was in your arms, not even anything special id sell toto to literally just go back to looking into your eyes and hearing you laugh and i honestly tried to convince myself that everything happened because we would eventually find our way back to each other but even im not delusional enough to believe that, I don’t believe that anymore. i still do think everything happened for a reason, maybe that reason was to bring me closer to god, maybe if things played out differently it wouldve cost me and hurt me more than the way things happened, maybe i needed to feel things for once instead of just pretending i dont care about anything, i dont know what the reason is and i have so so many regrets, but caring about you the way i do will never be one of those regrets, maybe it wasnt from the right person but you really do deserve to feel cared about the way i care about you, you deserve the world and everything good it has to offer and no amount of z3l between us will convince me otherwise, you truly have the kindest heart i have ever seen in someone, and i really hope that you let that show more often, youre so caring and so kind, ill never buy that nonchalant act, i know who you are and what you will achieve in life and i know that you deserve everything good that ever comes your way and honestly nothing will ever change my mind ab that. youre not my baby anymore but like youll always be my jas, and even though you broke my heart in a way nobody ever has knowing you also showed me that I am capable of feeling and loving way more deeply than I thought. I spent spent so much time protecting myself and building walls and leaving people before they could leave me you were like the first person I was genuinely afraid of losing and losing you spun me out in a way i dont even know how to process, you made me feel safe enough to let those walls down i never once felt judged by you even when I was dramatic and psycho. I know that my feelings and reactions were probably hard for you to deal with and even understand and for that i am so sorry jas you really did deserve better from me. sometime i think like was i just a girl you met on ome to you, and i think maybe i was and thats why what doesnt make sense to me why things played out the way they did but itmakes plenty of sense to you, would things have played out differently if we met some other way? i keep thinking if we have one more convo ab why what happened happened ill get some revolutionary closure but the fact is theres no such thing, we could have so many convos and it would still be the same. i try to convince myself that youre not worth it, not worth the crying and all the drama but honestly you are, and not in a way where like i think that anything is worth me hurt over but you, youre something special and ill never think youre just not worth it, and i will always be proud of you and pray for you, whether im in your life or not. i sometimes think if i lose enough weight itll make you come back, maybe you see me and finally think im beautiful but honestly i know that no amount of weight lost, no amount of effort, nothing is gonna make you want me, you cant make someone love you no matter how hard you try, i always see those tiktoks ab how annoying it is when someone you dont want keeps texting you and shit and i dont wanna be that person i dont want you to ever see me that way but like do you? is that all i am to you? but honestly jas, i tried everything, i really did. but at the end of the day, there is nothing i can do to make you love me, and theres no one that even compares to you, everytime someone new tries to get to know me i just shut them down because if i lost you after i tried that hard, theres no way i can keep anything w anyone else, i literally dont think i even have the energy to ever go through that again, i started shutting down emotionally again which isnt such a bad thing, i just am so not interested in everything and im starting to think the spark i was so scared of losing was just pure psychosis at this point because what possessed me to act the way i did and then i have these dreams where its just me and you, i finally feel enough for you in them, im in your arms and i feel like im home but wtf is that shit like bro get your shit together and i keep having convos with you in my head, playing out different scenarios where we had a different ending but at the end of everything i realise it just isnt fair to myself im putting my self through this, i keep convincing myself that i wasnt enough or if i did something differently things wouldve played out differently and honestly I would try again nd id give you as many chances as it takes to get it right because I really did see my future with you, I saw a home we built with ugly gray walls and brown ass furniture, our kids that look like gru with your long ass nose, my curly hair, how pathetic is that but honestly i dont think me trying on my own ever would change the ending it takes two and there was only one of us that wanted it and that wasn’t fair for you. you deserve the world, and im always here for you. im sorry.
Im sorry for every time I wronged you whether in anger or just unintentionally, I genuinely never wanted to say or do anything to hurt you. you have no idea what you mean to me jas. Im sorry for being too funny asw I can’t control it. No jokes I genuinely know its annoying and that it can be too much, it was too much and you never deserved that from me, im sorry if I ever hurt you, you have no idea the guilt I carry in terms of every time I caused you to sin or any of that, I thought it would bring you closer to me but all I was doing was distancing you from Allah and for that I truly am sorry and I know no amounts of sorry will ever make up for that mistake but all I can do is pray and god knows how much I do, I pray for your sins to be forgiven just as much as I pray for mine. Im sorry for every time Ive cried in front of you or burdened you with the way I feel that should’ve never been something I put on you, im sorry for all the lies I’ve told and the mistakes I’ve made, im sorry I cared too much and then I was like a fucking mess always crying you didn’t deserve that and im sorry if you ever for once thought that was your fault, it wasn’t, my feelings aren’t your responsibility and it shouldn’t have ever felt like it was, you really deserve the world and you truly deserved better from me. I know no matter how much I say sorry it won’t change things but honestly, all I can do is apologize and change, this was my last time reaching out for something in terms of emotions and shit like that, but I truly can’t go without saying all this. You were more than just a guy I met on ome you were my best friend I told you everything, im really sorry yeah idk why im saying so much.
You remember the first time we spoke, staying up all night, the drawings and shit, if I knew what you’d mean to me after that I would’ve never let go of you, Ill always be grateful for the way you helped me when we were first talking and you’d read my notes to me when I was driving to exams, thank you for that saved my grades, im grateful for every time you made me laugh or smile or even made me feel cared for, I never got to tell you how much you mean to me as a friend, my whole life I was like always scared of saying what’s on my mind bc its probs some dumb shit but w you I could always let myself be a dumbass, I got to say everything on my mind and not once did you ever make me feel embarrassed or ashamed of feeling the way I do, you always were my safe space for everything, im grateful for every single time we spoke, every laugh and every memory, thank you for everything jas, the good, the bad, I dont regret most of it, you changed the way I see things and people, I got to be myself around you, no filters no walls, sometimes I even felt like I was enough lol, I can’t tell if this whole thing is embarrassing or not but one thing ab you is ill never feel embarrassed for the way I am around you, you made me feel seen in ways idk how to explain, even when I was too much, you listened, you got me closer to god, you somehow even made me realize my worth. Forever grateful for you.
I hope you become everything I know you will, whether it be in your education, your career, your life. I always told you and I always will know that youre gonna be something great, you have such a kind heart and such purity to you, I hope the world never dims your light, I hope you get everything you want and deserve in life, I can’t wait to see you grow and become the man I know you will. Won’t wish you a happy love life bc thats very cucky if u wanna be happy u know where home is. Jk. I really do hope you meet someone that makes you happy, that brings out that beautiful smile and puts the spark right back into your eyes, as much as it hurts me to say it, not bc I dont want good things for you but I actually will not be able to handle seeing you happy w someone else like I know its fucked up for me to say but If I see you happy w someone else I dont think ill ever feel like im enough like genuinely I do want that for you, but fuck u why’re u being happy w out me. Ok ill stop joking and be serious, I hope you find a girl who brings out the good in you and makes you laugh and happy, I hope she sees you and cherishes you and cares about you. But thats not important, whats important is you, your success, I wanna see you be the best version of yourself
Thank you for reading, Thank you for everything.